June 2013
yesterday morning, i posted the following image with the caption,
“dear Wednesday, I started my day at 5 am because I wanted to make the most out of you. in return, please be kind. xo, B.”
who would’ve known a mere 4 hours later, i’d be sitting unemployed. how’s that for kindness?
it was all kind of a blur. waking up at 5 am to get in an early morning run. a quick stop at Starbucks to pick up a venti blonde. a morning walk with Zach, my beloved co-worker, as we discussed the eeriness felt throughout the office. being called into a meeting room with 9 other people where no real words of compassion, understanding or emotion were expressed— it was all from a script, like a third grader performing at their first Grandparent’s Day assembly.
by ten a.m., i had consumed enough caffeine to take on another day of writing & editing. by noon, i was standing in the parking lot with my office belongings in a foreign bag hanging from my shoulder & not one clue where to begin.
the truth is, i could sense this coming for months. i’d been mentally preparing myself to be a survivor, once again, of a RIF (after all, the last one occurred just 9 months prior). what i didn’t prepare for was that i would actually be one of those let go.
yesterday, i was subjected to seeing tears fall from the eyes of people who had earned my respect, i was disappointed in those who couldn’t acknowledge my presence as they passed by post-cut, i was humbled by the outpouring of support i received & i was proud i was able to hold in all emotions until i arrived at the comfort of my home.
today, it’s been over 24 hours since i received the news, & a somewhat shotty game plan has been put into place.
i don’t know what all of this means, i don’t know how my name got thrown into the mix, i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to respect those who made the decision yet didn’t have the audacity to look me in the eyes,
but i do know i’ll figure it out. i always do.
i spent 18 months at a place where i never felt truly respected, & i think it’s time i find somewhere that i am.
“good things are coming” is what they used to say, & for once, i finally believe it. because after the events that took place yesterday, good things truly can be headed my way…
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
— Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
some days you just need to…
- set your alarm for 5 a.m. & actually get out of bed
- run 6 miles before 6:30 a.m.
- dress in bright colors as a reminder that life could be way more gloomy
- brew vanilla biscotti coffee instead of your regular joe just for the hell of it
- arrive at work 3 minutes early
- write in purple ink instead of black
- meet your parents for lunch
- pack cute clothes to wear to this evening’s hip hop class
- remind yourself you’re a white girl & will never have moves like beyonce
- set an appointment reminder for an afternoon iced coffee
- count your blessings even though they don’t always make sense
- genuinely compliment at least one person
- remember that tomorrow will always be a new day
often times it’s hard for me to express my feelings to someone else, to a trusted partner, to a friend.
i hate the thought of burdening someone with my downfalls when i know they’re experiencing a good day,
& i hate having to admit to myself & to someone else that the truth is sometimes heavier on my heart than i care to accept.
this weekend, i didn’t have to say a word as i heard a loved one utter the words, “i think i’ll be going home soon” when their home is heaven, not a house across the street.
i didn’t have to say a word as i watched my mother rub the hands of her beloved aunt—the same aunt who saved her from a trouble once upon a time or two.
i didn’t have to say a word when we picked up my grandmother & witnessed her elation for a trip out east.
i didn’t have to say a word when i read a text from a dear friend sending words of encouragement as i overcame my own fears.
i didn’t have to say a word when i hugged my father after not seeing him for 16 days.
& i didn’t have to say a word when i called my mother late at night & let the tears fall down my cheeks.
there are many times i think words can do the trick,
but for all those other times, there are the emotions that so often escape my dialect.
this weekend was definitely one of those times.
15 small steps to happiness.
1. push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.
2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.
3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.
4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.
5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.
6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.
7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.
8. strip your bed of your sheets into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.
9. organize your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.
10. have a luxurious shower with your favorite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturizer, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.
11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behavior. realize you can learn from your dog.
12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.
13. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.
14. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.
15. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.
(via, emphasis my own)
